How to support a loved one with OCD
Supporting a loved one with OCD can feel confusing, exhausting, and heartbreaking all at once. You want to help. You want them to feel safe. You also do not want to accidentally make the OCD stronger.
This guide pulls together key ideas from resources on the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) website about how families and partners can support someone with OCD in a way that is kind, informed, and recovery focused. It is not a substitute for professional advice, but it can give you a roadmap for what to do next. International OCD Foundation+1
1. First, really understand what OCD is (and what it is not)
OCD is not about being “quirky,” “neat,” or “a little OCD.” It is a mental health condition where a person experiences:
Obsessions: intrusive, unwanted thoughts, images, or urges that cause intense distress
Compulsions: behaviors (or mental rituals) they feel driven to do in order to neutralize that distress or prevent something bad from happening
Common themes include fears of harm, contamination, “rightness,” morality, relationships, or religion. Sometimes the obsessions are violent or taboo, which often leaves people terrified that they are dangerous or “crazy,” even though they are actually horrified by the thoughts.
The most effective treatments for OCD are well studied. They include:
Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), a form of cognitive behavioral therapy that helps people face fears without doing compulsions
Medication, usually serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SRIs) at higher doses than those used for depression International OCD Foundation
When you understand that OCD is a treatable condition that follows predictable patterns, it becomes easier to separate your loved one from the disorder. Your partner, child, or friend is not the problem. OCD is the problem you are learning to face together.
2. Learn about “family accommodation” so you can stop accidentally feeding the OCD
One of the most important concepts from IOCDF resources is family accommodation. This means all the ways family members participate in, assist, or adapt to a loved one’s OCD rituals and avoidance. International OCD Foundation+1
Examples of accommodation:
Answering the same reassurance question over and over
Repeating certain phrases “just right” so they feel safe
Re-arranging the household routine to avoid triggers
Participating in lengthy cleaning or checking rituals
Doing tasks for your loved one because their OCD makes it “too hard”
Accommodation almost always comes from love. You may be trying to:
Prevent them from melting down or panicking
Keep the household running smoothly
Show them you care
Avoid conflict after a long day
The hard truth is that accommodation tends to strengthen OCD over time. Research summarized by IOCDF shows that when families participate less in rituals, and when treatment directly targets accommodation, outcomes for OCD, depression, and family functioning improve. International OCD Foundation+1
You are not a bad partner or parent if you have been accommodating. You were trying your best with the information you had. Now you have new information, and you can learn a different way.
3. Support without reassurance: what to say instead of “It’s fine, I promise”
Reassurance is one of the most common compulsions in OCD. The person may ask things like:
“Are you sure I did not hurt anyone?”
“Do you think I am a bad person?”
“Do you think this is contaminated?”
“Are you sure this feeling means we are meant to be together?”
In OCD, reassurance does not calm the anxiety for long. It gives short relief that actually teaches the brain, “I cannot cope unless someone tells me I am safe,” which keeps OCD demanding more.
IOCDF resources consistently recommend that family members learn to limit reassurance and instead respond in ways that support recovery and ERP. International OCD Foundation+2International OCD Foundation+2
Here are some phrases that can help:
“I know this feels really scary. I also know this is OCD talking.”
“I love you too much to answer this again. What does your therapist want you to practice?”
“I am here with you while you ride out this anxiety.”
“I believe you can handle this discomfort without doing a ritual.”
You are not saying their feelings are fake. You are saying: “Your feelings are real. The danger your OCD is screaming about is not.”
4. Responding when your loved one opens up about OCD
Disclosing OCD can be incredibly vulnerable. IOCDF emphasizes that when someone says “I have OCD,” they may feel overwhelmed, ashamed, and afraid you will see them as dangerous or “broken.” International OCD Foundation
Helpful responses include:
Express gratitude
“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this.”
Validate the courage it took
“I can hear how hard this has been for you. It makes sense that you were scared to say it out loud.”
Avoid overreacting or interrogating
You do not need to demand every detail of their obsessions. Let them share at their own pace.
Ask what they need
“Would it help if I read about OCD so I understand more?”
“Is there anything your therapist wants me to know or do?”
Remember: many of the scariest obsessions are nothing like the person’s true values. Listening with calm and compassion helps them feel less alone in something that has likely felt terrifying and secret.
5. When your loved one is avoiding treatment
Sometimes the person with OCD is not ready for therapy, is terrified of ERP, or insists they “can handle it alone.” IOCDF calls this recovery avoidance, and it is fairly common. International OCD Foundation+1
You cannot force someone to engage in treatment perfectly, but you can:
Share accurate information about ERP and medication from trusted sources such as IOCDF
Express how OCD is impacting you and the family, without attacking their character
Set kind but firm boundaries around accommodation and what you are willing to do
Seek your own support, even if they are not in treatment yet
Examples of boundary statements:
“I love you and I am on your side. I am also not going to participate in checking the locks repeatedly anymore. I can sit with you while you feel anxious, but I will not check.”
“I understand that therapy is scary. At the same time, I cannot keep restructuring the entire house around OCD rituals.”
The point is not to punish your loved one, but to stop fighting OCD on its terms and start protecting your own well-being.
6. Create a “family contract” so everyone knows the plan
One IOCDF article recommends a family contract as a practical tool. International OCD Foundation+1
A family contract might include:
Specific OCD-related behaviors that family members will no longer do
For example: “Family members will not answer reassurance questions more than once”
Ways the family will support ERP homework
Giving gentle reminders about exposures
Encouraging the person to stick with their plan
A plan for difficult moments
What to do if anxiety spikes
How to respond if they ask for reassurance
Agreements about communication and respect
The goal is to get everyone on the same team, with clear expectations. This reduces conflict and makes it easier to resist OCD as a unit rather than arguing about it in the moment.
7. Support ERP in everyday life
If your loved one is in ERP or CBT for OCD, you can be an incredibly powerful ally. IOCDF highlights that family involvement in treatment, including multi-family behavior therapy, can help people stick with ERP and reduce OCD’s impact on daily life. International OCD Foundation+1
Ways to support ERP:
Attend family sessions if invited, so you understand the treatment plan
Use the same language their therapist uses
“This sounds like an exposure opportunity”
“How can I help you stay with this anxiety without doing the ritual?”
Cheer on the hard work
Notice and celebrate small wins, like resisting a compulsion once, or tolerating a new trigger
Avoid giving safety behaviors
For example, do not agree to “just one little ritual” after an exposure, because that can undo the progress
Think of yourself as a coach in the background: you are not running the plays, but you are helping them stay in the game.
8. Take care of yourself too (you are not selfish for needing support)
IOCDF is very clear about this: family members need and deserve support as well. International OCD Foundation+2International OCD Foundation+2
Caring for someone with OCD can involve:
Chronic stress and anxiety
Guilt, anger, or resentment
Feeling isolated or misunderstood
Burnout from constant accommodation or conflict
Helpful options include:
Seeing your own therapist who understands OCD and caregiver stress
Joining a support group for families and loved ones
IOCDF maintains a Resource Directory of support groups and treatment groups, including groups specifically for parents, partners, caregivers, and families. International OCD Foundation+4International OCD Foundation+4International OCD Foundation+4
Connecting with online communities for families of people with OCD
Scheduling regular time for rest, hobbies, friendships, and physical care
You are not abandoning your loved one when you take care of yourself. In fact, you are more able to offer patient, calm support when your own cup is not completely empty.
9. Special situations: kids, pregnancy and postpartum, and autism
IOCDF has specific resource sections for certain situations that create extra layers of complexity for families.
When your child has OCD
For parents, IOCDF’s “OCD in Kids” section offers step by step guidance on noticing signs, seeking evidence based treatment, and managing symptoms in the household. It emphasizes educating the whole family, participating in treatment, and carefully reducing accommodation so your child can build skills and independence. OCD in Kids+1
When your partner has perinatal OCD
Perinatal OCD affects people during pregnancy and the postpartum period. IOCDF’s resources for loved ones highlight:
Taking intrusive, scary thoughts seriously without assuming they are dangerous
Helping your partner access specialists who know perinatal OCD
Involving extended family carefully and using child friendly language for older kids
Prioritizing your own self care and support while you care for a struggling new parent International OCD Foundation
When your loved one is autistic and has OCD
For autistic people with OCD, families may already be used to “accommodating” sensory needs and routines. IOCDF notes that this can make it confusing to know which behaviors to accommodate and which to gently challenge as OCD. Professional guidance is particularly important here, and family education is strongly recommended. International OCD Foundation
10. Finding professional help
If you suspect your loved one has OCD, or if they have a diagnosis but are not receiving specialized treatment, a good next step is to look for:
Therapists trained in ERP and CBT for OCD
Prescribers familiar with OCD and appropriate medication options
Intensive programs or clinics when outpatient care is not enough
The IOCDF Resource Directory allows you to search for OCD specialists, clinics, and support groups by location and type of service. International OCD Foundation+1
You can also ask potential therapists questions such as:
“How often do you treat OCD?”
“Do you provide exposure and response prevention?”
“How do you involve family or partners in treatment?”
You deserve to understand what is being offered and to feel confident that the approach is evidence based.
11. A final word to families and partners
If you are reading this, you already care deeply. You may feel scared of saying or doing the wrong thing. You may feel tired from years of accommodating rituals or walking on eggshells around triggers.
You do not have to be a perfect supporter. You are allowed to make mistakes, learn, and try again.
What helps most over time is a combination of:
Accurate information about OCD and its treatment
A steady, compassionate refusal to feed rituals and reassurance
A willingness to stand beside your loved one as they face fear and discomfort in ERP
Support for your own emotional health
With the right treatment and support, many people with OCD experience significant improvement, and families can reclaim time, energy, and connection that OCD had taken over. Reaching out for help, for both your loved one and yourself, is a powerful act of hope.